“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
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[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨