Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS

I needed this laugh 😂😂😂

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please