Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

This seems like a really, really bad idea.

*jumps in with both feet*

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.