Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
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But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
…żyje?
He’s dead
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
shazam but for random noises outside
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.