Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
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“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???
“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”
“A hiss-drawn carriage”
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not