just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
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I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
This pepper has seen some shit
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible