Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP

Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?