Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
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Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.