Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife has the worst taste in men.

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

If my kids invented a drink.

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.