just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
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In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
new career option?
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
In banana years, I am bread.
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover