just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
You Might Also Like
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I’m not sorry.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.