Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

That stupid look on my face, is my face

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.