just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
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There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺