just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
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I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house