Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

#NeverForget

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”