just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
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Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
I’m not lazy
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
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wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off