Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
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Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”