Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok

Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

jesus christ confetti not now

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

Thank heavens for community notes

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.