Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

me after drinking all the wine:

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back

Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh