Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…

Every other person alive: Wut?

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?

Me: *turns on the blender* What?

Husband: I said…

Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week