Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
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Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
finally
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
