Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

Fights fire with marshmallows

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”