“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
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when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
wife: what are you thinking about
guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room