“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
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[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
These aliens are taking forever.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Mornin. * use accordingly
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
