“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
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If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats