Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

B

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….

Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?

Her: Wow!

Its true…

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

Imagine having a party on purpose.

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?

Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave