@theshantilly

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

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@WilliamAder

Told my wife that Hooters is an owl rescue sanctuary where I’m doing important volunteer work.

@KenJennings

*Jesus comes into the house*
Judas: Jesus, close the door! Were you born in a barn?
*room gets super quiet*
Judas: Uh right. I forgot. Sorry

@jnrbtsn

Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I’m ready now.

@Skoogeth

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

@tastefactory

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

@_elvishpresley_

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

@Tups13

When I receive an invoice that says ‘early settlement would be appreciated’ I build them a Neolithic village.

@Nikky_Gin

Latino soap operas where no one seems to have locks on their doors and people burst in at odd hours demanding the truth

@Prof_Hinkley

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

@McGrumpenstein

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette