Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
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[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE