Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.