Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
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Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
