Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
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Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Got ya covered
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.