Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
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when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I wish this was real life…
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?