Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
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Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
what’s more important?
