Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries