Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
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Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Take care of yourself, ladies
Unmatched
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Jail
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together