Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

me: whoa you think I’m buff?

them: no, we said buffoon

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”