Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

Perfect.

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?