Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

This one, by a wide margin

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

Church Pugh’s

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.