Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

Can’t. Being lazy.

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals