Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

I got bills

They’re multiplying

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.