Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
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My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
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Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.