Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
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The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
This did not end as expected.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.