Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong

HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug

ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.