Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
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I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
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Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire