Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
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I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.