Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
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Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this