Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

Oh we’ve met.

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

Me: Why aren’t you in bed?

5: I need smooth jazz.

Me: Uh what?

5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?

The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD