Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

Bruh

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

#dalle2

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.