Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
You Might Also Like
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
The Assassin.
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.