just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
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Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
#Caturday
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.