Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

Cha-ching is my safe word

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh