Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

selfie game

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

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