Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.

[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS

Dude 1: “Hey bro?”

Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”

Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: “Brochure”

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.