Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
You Might Also Like
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.