Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?

{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.