Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
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The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.