@AshleyFrankly

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

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@PetrickSara

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

@onion_an

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

@mela_shea

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

@SaraESpivey

After I orgasm, I yell “Aaaaand scene.” Then I push him off me, throw him his clothes while holding the door open& say “Ummm. We’ll call u.”

@OctopusCavemann

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…

@WarrenHolstein

Having a traditional Columbus Day. Headed to a casino to hand out blankets with smallpox on them.

@KentWGraham

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

@lucyworld1

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.