Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????

Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.

Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.

A pipe burst.