Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
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[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
spicy snake
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Anyone want a chair?
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*