Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?
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the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Need WebMD
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
reviewed some movies recently
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think