Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

They’re really bad with fonts.

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head