Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?
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Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
not to brag, but mine was free
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person