Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
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I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.