Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

Planet of the Apps.

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

We know he can swim but…

100% of divorces begin with marriage.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

“love means never having to say you’re sorry”

“that is not what love means”

“sorry”