Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
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rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
incredible text to wake up to
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.