Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
You Might Also Like
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”