Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
You Might Also Like
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Passwords are more important than ever.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…