Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
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People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.