just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
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My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.
I’m ex-static!
#DadJoke
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.