Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

me: *knocks on door* are you naked?

boss: just come in!

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now