Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
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[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.