Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
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My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
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A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks